i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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