i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
