I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
