My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
