who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
