If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
