The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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