so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
