ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
