I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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