So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
