somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just high enough for therapy.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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