Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
