if you like me you must not know who I am
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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