Heybabeimwearingurpanties
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
