Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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