So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
