i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
