i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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