I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
