I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
