I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
