I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
