I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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