I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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