i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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