i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
