I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
