I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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