Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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