I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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