whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize