What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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