1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
