Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
