It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
