I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
