Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he was CRYING into my vagina
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
