you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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