so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
