be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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