If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I am in a vortex of obligation.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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