My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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