Will you blow on my dice?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
