we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The convent might be a nice break from real life
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
