just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
She even gives head with a lisp.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
