you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
