Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
