hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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