I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
