After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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