after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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