I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
