best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize