I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
That accounts for only three of the penises
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
