I wish I could teleport
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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