Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize