You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
