She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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