that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
