And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
