the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
